Complaining- an effective use of energy?

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post on here, but perhaps I’ll dust it off and get going again.  I decided two weeks ago to try an experiment: to see if I could go two weeks without complaining.  I wore an orange band on my wrist to remind me, and put reminders in my calendar, too.  I also announced it on my Facebook page and invited others to join me.  (I always do better when someone joins me in these types of things.)

As of today, the experiment is complete, and I’d have to say I learned quite a few things.

First, the content.  Complaints usually signal underlying thoughts of, “This isn’t fair,” “Things shouldn’t be this way,” or “Why me?”  After two weeks of (mostly) choosing not to voice those thoughts, it allowed me to see what other options I have for those feelings.

• Can I fix something?
• Is it TRUE that the situation “shouldn’t be this way” or is it better to just accept what IS?
• Or is there a way to focus on what can be fixed without complaining about it?
• Am I seeking camaraderie or attention for my so-called misery?  Is that the way I want to be with other people? (ummm…. no.)

Here are few more thoughts in no particular order:

1. In general, I think I’ve realized that most of the time, complaining just reinforces the problem and takes away energy that could be better used for finding solutions. Complaints are a bit like clutter.  They usually aren’t necessary and often get in the way of productivity.
2. Stuffing doesn’t help either.  The trick is finding ways to address problems and challenges without sucking the life out of yourself and those around you.
3. There is a time to just BE QUIET.  Let it be.  Take a deep breath and close your eyes instead of focus on that issue.
4. Most of my would-be complaints had to do with “not having enough time to get things done.”  Hmmm…. guess what, Amy.  We ALL have the same amount of time, and although I try to be a wise planner, it is not my strong suit.

So, my next experiment is this: one week of down-to-the-minute time tracking.  I’m going to evaluate my expectations for what I “should” be able to get done and also discover where I’m frittering away valuable time that could be better used elsewhere.  Maybe I’ll update the blog and let you know how that one goes.

Last night, my 12-year-old son Jonathan was playing with my sister Anna’s kids, Jack, age 4, and Jenna, age 5. Jack is fascinated with “big boys” and he had teamed up with Jonathan to guard the playground castle.

“No girls are allowed in here, right Jonafan?” said Jack. However, as two-year-old Julia toddled into the castle, Jack said, “Well, Julia can come in because she’s a baby, right Jonafan? But nobody else, or we will beat them up, right Jonafan?”

Jonathan, amused, just laughed it off.

Within a few minutes, Jenna, the 5-year-old, marched her way into the castle and Jack promptly hit her and she ran crying to her mother.

“Jaaaaaack,” My sister called out. Jack, always dramatic, looked at Jonathan in wide-eyed alarm. “Jonafan!” he said, “Quick! You gotta’ beat up my mommy or she will spank me and put me in time out!”

Although by this time Jack and Jenna had both begun crying loudly, Jonathan couldn’t stop laughing. Upon hearing Jack’s attempt to garner a body guard, Anna whispered ominously into Jack’s ear, “I could beat up Jonathan if I needed to.”

Furrowing his brow, Jack shot back, “Then I’ll just get somebody more giant than you!”

How to keep a straight face? Little Jack– so intense, tied up in knots crying, fidgeting, and wanting this all to be over so he could get back to playtime with Jonathan.

After his tearful time out, my sister said to Jack, “Say, ‘I’m sorry I hit you.”
“I’m sorry I hit you.”

I won’t do it again.
“I won’t do it again.” he repeated after her.

Will you forgive me?
“Will you forgive me?”

Turning to Jenna, she then said, “Now what you do say?”
Jenna said nothing, but Jack blurted out, “AMEN!” then began anxiously second-guessing himself, wiggling, and hopping in place. Frantically, he stammered, “No… um, um, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO SAY!”

Still to Jenna, Anna said, “Say, ‘I forgive you.”
“I FORGIVE YOU!” interrupted Jack, who then abruptly ran off with his conscience much relieved.

Thankfully life is often a comedy, but even these moments can give us pause for thought. When I realize that a person I’m counting on is unable to maintain God-like status, do I immediately look for someone ‘more giant’? How many times have I looked to others to offer what only God can give? God is the only source of infinite love paired with infinite strength, and though these recent months have been so incredibly difficult, and I truly don’t know what ‘I’m supposed to say,’ I do know God’s love is bigger than I ever imagined. Much bigger than my pain. And honestly, that is a relief.

“Life isn’t fair or unfair; it’s just life. Each of us has the chance to make the most of it. James Birrell, as young as he was, understood that in his bones. Each day he looked past his cancer and saw another opportunity for adventure. 
That was his gift to his family and friends. He inspired them. An they helped him share the gift of inspiration with the world.” Peterborough Examiner

“In a telephone interview, James says that when it comes to dealing with illness and the pain the treatments cause, you have a choice: yes or no – do you want to fight the cancer, or do you want to let it beat you. ‘I always pick yes,’ he says with a chirpy voice.” The Haliburton County Echo

“What makes the Birrell family so intriguing and inspiring is that everyone knows that each day could be the last for their life together. They take the time to treasure sharing, creating memories, seizing the beauty and laughter of a day.” The Morning Star

For all of us, life is a journey and we can expect to suffer. Once we accept that, we can look at our choices differently. Like James, and my little friend Faith, we truly can still savor moments of sweetness, request to do something fun, share a good book, play a game, worship God, and enjoy a laugh.

Because my sister was nearly killed in an accident when I was 10, I used to wrestle with a consuming anxiety almost every day that something really bad would happen and someone I loved would be taken from me. About twelve years ago, I got that middle-of-the-night call that someone I loved very much had been killed in an accident. I sometimes still relive that painful moment, and any time the phone rings in the wee hours of the morning, my stomach hits the floor. However, walking through the grieving process within myself and with my friend’s wife and mother was life-changing for me. The testimony to God’s goodness, restoration, and available love poured out to those in need has made me realize that no matter what we are suffering, God does not forget us! He cares about our pain, and He invites us to find life in Him.

I keep thinking of James of who didn’t let cancer ruin his day. He just chose to say yes to whatever was right in front of him that was good. Dwelling on the future?… not helpful. Living in the past?…. not beneficial either. Sharing love, choosing life, and living this day is all we really have. Let’s do it!

Every person is a person of value, and although we ARE so insignificant, it is in our smallness that we see the vastness of His love. So while we wrestle with two competing perspectives- our insignificance and our inestimable value- we are more able to grasp the magnitude of the gift of His love poured to us as we really are. Very, very small.

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Insignificant ones to him belong,
They are weak, but He is strong.

He knows every stain on our heart, every inconsistency in our character, and every selfish desire we cater to, yet He loves us enough to pay with His life. Hard to believe, but that is our invitation. I hope you’ll take time to listen to Brennan Manning in this four minute video talking about the depth, intensity, and vastness of God’s love.

How am I thinking?
What was the trigger that started these depressing thoughts?
Is there another way to look at it?
Do I think I am a victim? How can I help myself?
Have I assumed guilt over something that isn’t really mine?
Or am I thinking “doomsday” thoughts when I could possibly choose some other way to think?
Do I have expectations that are not being met? If so, what can I do about them?
Or are they unreasonable?

What am I doing?
Am I operating out of what I value most?
Am I being proactive about taking time for the things I enjoy?
Am I making plans for appropriate time with others and balancing that with time alone?
Have I honored my limitations and the limitations of others?

Am I taking care of the physical?
Have I given attention to rest, good nutrition, exercise, and medication if needed?

Am I connecting well?
Am I engaged with people?
Are my relationships authentic and mutually respectful?
Do I have a sense of shared connection with others?
Am I showing gratefulness?
Am I reaching out?
And am I truly caring for others or seeking something for myself?
Have I placed all my connection needs on one relationship?

Have I connected with God?
Have I trusted His acceptance?
Have I felt and expressed my gratitude to Him?
Have I listened to what He might say to me in His word?
Have I let myself experience His love and/or extend it to others?

After I look at my list, I always find ways to make improvements to my state of mind, and many times the improvement itself is a trigger of joy and a reminder that everything will be okay. In general, I think joy is not about anything we DO, but rather it is the ability let go of everything that threatens to steal our focus and simply savor life itself. Sometimes getting there requires an act of the will. No one said it would be easy, but with practice and commitment to building healthy habits in every domain, we don’t have to always be living in the storm.
Sting has a favorite and often repeated lyric incorporated into several of his songs, “It’s a big enough umbrella, but it’s always me that ends up getting wet.” Well, Sting, what if you bought a second umbrella so you wouldn’t have to feel that way? Just a thought! And if you decide to just go with the blues, check out despair.com. It keeps it all in perspective.

© Amyindallas, 2007-2008

Somehow, without laughing, I said, “Maybe you need to think of a good way to say that you don’t want to talk about things right now or that you don’t like what the person is saying.”

To which Rachel replied, “Mom, I don’t want to talk about what you just said.  So let’s just shut up ourselves.”   

Then she busted out laughing. She’s a funny one, and her quirky little comments often turn life into a comedy.

Truth be told, there’s plenty to consider in there. For some of us, opening up about what is on our mind is more challenging, and for others of us, ‘shutting up ourselves’ is the harder task. Love invites us to learn to do both, as well as recognize when we’ve gone past our limitations and we just need to shut up. I’m praying to be wise about when to do what.

©AmyinDallas, 2007-2008

How easy would it be for Ernie and Bert to use their differences as the basis for contempt? Our differences, which are often charming at first, become the basis of judgment and blame over time as they exert greater influence on our own preferences. Ernie could think of Bert as a stick-in-the-mud because Bert thinks it is important to be neat, quiet, calm and unperturbed. Bert could pressure Ernie to change who he is because he is often noisy, messy, silly, rambunctious, and sometimes annoying (to Bert anyway).

With differences like these, it is so easy for any one of us to lose sight of what we ever loved in a person. Real life requires mental discipline in the way we think about each other and in the way we represent what is good about ourselves. What we bring to the relationship is usually not better or worse than what the other person brings; we are just different.

One person often takes risk for adventure and the other spends more energy on precautions. One person sees the possibilities, the other sees the obstacles. We can allow resentment to grow when we try to change the people around us, and we can also allow resentment to take over when we try to constantly change FOR the people around us. The more we try to force ourselves to be what the other person wants, the more we run the risk of resenting them.

Someone (I forgot who…sorry!) once told me this: when we think we are all in the same boat, we start fighting for who is going to drive the ship. But the truth is, we are all in our own separate boat, we are just going down the same river. We do not have to struggle to stay in synch all the time, and many times we will get along better if we loosen the chords that bind us and learn to get more comfortable with greater freedom in our relationships. This means we learn to tolerate those differences, adjust our own preferences at times, and accept that we are not the same person.

“You are messy, really messy, but I don’t mind if you are messy, that’s what friends are for.” Okay, sometimes I DO mind it when others are messy, and often I’m the messy one, but we are learning to make room for differences and be more cheerful about it.

Personally, I’d rather be a human being than a human doing. It is possible to get so busy “doing” that we never take time to think or feel. We don’t reflect or take stock of our behavior. We can get used to being so busy that never stop to ask ourselves why we keep shoving ourselves into this overcrowded life. What would life hold for us if we stopped? Rather than face the unknown abyss of slowing down and living a simpler life, we keep cramming, crowding, and crushing our own joy.

We can’t do it all. For so long, I thought I could. I’ve taken a couple of years to focus on doing less. In truth, I haven’t done less, but I have learned to stop trying to squeeze onto every train. I am certain it isn’t worth it. And, I have found joy in choosing to connect and satisfaction in prioritizing my work so that I also make time to do what I love.

Part of the journey into joy is to rest, knowing that whatever I’ve chosen to do is enough.

I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun. Ecc. 8:15

There is a person in my life whom I have “tried and tried” to love more fully. I often feel that I have bent over backwards to help her; indeed, sometimes I feel that I’ve sacrificed much of my life to reach her. Yesterday, I saw the two of us in a different light.

I challenged myself with this: What if I thought about her only in ways that gave no regard to how she negatively impacts me? I wrote a journal entry about who she is as a person, describing her good points, what makes her tick, how she struggles, and where she finds comfort. I was filled with compassion for her, because in that moment, I could take off my filter of “imprisonment” and see her as she is, not as she effects me.

Wouldn’t you know it, later that day she began “toxifying” the air around me, but this time I felt different. I felt that I had a filter of freedom through which I could consider what was going on with her. I could listen to her experience without having to fix her. She became a separate person to me in that moment, and I could experience her as a friend. I know that finding new ways to do this will be key to building a relationship with her, and if I want to learn to love fully, I’ll have to take on this challenge.

On a lighter note, I saw a youtube video yesterday that made me laugh at the worst of myself. It’s called the Chicken Police. Why live life as a Chicken Police? It really isn’t necessary. People can screw around, and I can just love them anyway. “Fixing them” is most often solely about me.

© AmyinDallas, 2007-2008