Changing our View on Difficult People

11Apr08

Most of us have to find some way to live with “difficult people” and sometimes a significant part of the problem is that we have decided that person is a difficult person. We think surely everyone has the same experience or we focus on the way our own wold is “worse” because of their influence. And while that may be true, it is also true that we automatically reduce our ability to show them compassion when we mentally label them as a problem. And without compassion, our relationship will not likely ever become a mutually satisfying experience.

There is a person in my life whom I have “tried and tried” to love more fully. I often feel that I have bent over backwards to help her; indeed, sometimes I feel that I’ve sacrificed much of my life to reach her. Yesterday, I saw the two of us in a different light.

I challenged myself with this: What if I thought about her only in ways that gave no regard to how she negatively impacts me? I wrote a journal entry about who she is as a person, describing her good points, what makes her tick, how she struggles, and where she finds comfort. I was filled with compassion for her, because in that moment, I could take off my filter of “imprisonment” and see her as she is, not as she effects me.

Wouldn’t you know it, later that day she began “toxifying” the air around me, but this time I felt different. I felt that I had a filter of freedom through which I could consider what was going on with her. I could listen to her experience without having to fix her. She became a separate person to me in that moment, and I could experience her as a friend. I know that finding new ways to do this will be key to building a relationship with her, and if I want to learn to love fully, I’ll have to take on this challenge.

On a lighter note, I saw a youtube video yesterday that made me laugh at the worst of myself. It’s called the Chicken Police. Why live life as a Chicken Police? It really isn’t necessary. People can screw around, and I can just love them anyway. “Fixing them” is most often solely about me.

© AmyinDallas, 2007-2008

Filed under: family, relationships/ psychology   |  1 Comment