Toxic people or toxic me?

19Mar08

Okay, I admit it.  I read self-help books.  Yes, I need help! And there is plenty of self-help or relationship reading material that makes it easy to place blame for our problems on those around us- topics such as, “Toxic People,” or “Living with the Self-Absorbed,” or “The Angry Man.”  However, all relationships naturally come to places of unrest and discontentment, and often, because we wouldn’t be having this “problem” if we were alone, the conflict of our differences makes us see the other person as the problem.

Recently, I was relaying a story about a difficult person and at the end of the story, I said, “She is a complete narcissist!” My shrink, David, said kindly, “I wholeheartedly agree you with you that she is, BUT if I were you, I would just file that information away somewhere in your brain where you can’t access it all the time.  If you keep it open, you are likely to contaminate important relationships because your perspective will be one that elevates yourself over her.  In your mind, you will think she is bad, and you are not, and eventually, you may end up justifying your own bad behavior.  I would hate to see you contaminate a network of relationships that will operate better if you choose to think of her as just a person.”  (okay, something like that…)

 

I had never thought about it like that, but I’m beginning to see how true it is.  Although I’ve known the importance of being careful about the ways we think about others, I also thought there were some people who “clearly deserved negative labels.”  By assigning the negative label, I could appropriately draw a boundary and not associate with that person,  or perhaps, because of my inside knowledge, I should be the one to initiate a personal improvement plan for them since I could so clearly see the faults they were apparently blind to in themselves.   

 

However, based on the words of Jesus, this thinking is clearly not in the best interest of anyone.  It is judgment and condemnation at best, and at worst we are simply magnifying in the other person what we don’t like in ourselves.  Christ invites us to be merciful, to refrain from judging and condemning.  Who of us can unlock a person’s head and read his or her motives?  Who can evaluate the hidden pain that brought them to the place they are today?  Who can know the longings of his or her heart to be loved, accepted and valued?  As my friend Mark said to me, “She is exposing the limits of your ability to love. Christ’s love is full of grace, given to us when we deserve nothing, and while we are still cherishing our sin.  His love is not about getting something for Himself, but it is all about giving to another. So, she is exposing in you the ways your love breaks down when you aren’t getting what you want.”

 

Ouch!  And TRUE! Luke 6:35-36 (just before the 6:37 passage) says, “I tell you, love your enemies.  Give without expecting anything in return.  You’ll never regret it.  Your God created identity is to love the way our Father loves toward us, generously and graciously, even when we are at our worst.”

So what about boundaries?  There is a time to operate according to what we VALUE in ourselves and others, instead of pushing out people for what we devalue in them.  But according to Brennan Manning, in the Wisdom of Tenderness:

 

“We can only receive mercy if we are prepared to accept the company that Mercy places us in. It is no good wanting to be shown mercy and then reserving the right to look on disapprovingly at all the other fellows.  Showing mercy isn’t easy when it comes to lavishing benevolence on ingrates who have no intention of reform.  Yet that’s what Abba does.  He himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.  We can no longer come at God with our unwarranted professionalism or our obnoxious familiarity, and we know it.  The more we realize everything is a gift, the more the tenor of our life becomes one of humble, joyful, thanksgiving.”

© AmyinDallas, 2007-2008

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Tags: Brennan Manning, Christian, humility, pride, relationships, Relationships/ Psych